Time Travelers

Ever wonder if time travel was possible? Well wonder no longer because it is and you’ve probably done it yourself a time or two. WARNING – this one requires some jr. high school math (middle school for those born in the 70’s or later, high school for those that were a little slow) and a tiny bit of imagination.

Now you have to accept a few things up front to grasp this thoroughly. First, time is a man made concept. The same applies to math while we’re at it. Also, we’re going to take a few liberties with physics and reality but we won’t get too far beyond the realm of sanity, I promise.

OK, let’s take a trip down memory lane real quick. Remember this (d = r X t) or the “dirt” theorem? (d) Distance equals ( r) Rate of speed multiplied by (t) Time. So let’s say it takes you two hours to travel 100 miles, using the formula we know you were going 50 (mph) miles per hour (100 = 2 X 50). Basic algebra lets us work the formula for the other variables just as easily (d / r = t and d / t = r) so as long as we know as least two of the variables we can find the remaining one. OK, that ends the math lesson – still with me or do you need a minute for the smoke pouring out of your ears to clear?

Suppose you had the kind commute and you lived approximately 30 miles from your place of business. If you averaged 30 mph on your daily drive we know it would take you an hour to get to work every day, day in and day out, one day after another for years and years. We can go through the math again here but if you haven’t gotten by now - not feeling good about your chances of ever getting it. Just take my word for it at this point.

SO – somewhere along the line one day you’re going to get up a little late. The alarm clock doesn’t go off, massive hang over, the significant other is looking particularly hot this AM – whatever the reason, you’re late for work. You jump out of bed, race through your morning routine and scramble to the car. Just like everyone else in this predicament you fly down the street putting your seatbelt on halfway down the street standing on the accelerator. For some reason only known to you safety and traffic laws are trumped by your need to get to work on time.

Averaging a speed of 45 mph you magically get to work in only 40 minutes where it usually takes you a full hour. Yes, there was more math in there somewhere but I thought I would save you the grief at this point. Realizing you don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn anymore you adjust your alarm clock accordingly to give yourself a few extra minutes of sleep (yea U).

Uh oh, there’s that pesky snooze button again, guess who’s late for work? Kickin’ in the emergency procedures as usual you zoom to work at 60 miles an hour this time getting there in only 30 minutes. You’ve gotten to work in half the time it took you originally by going twice as fast to get there, presupposing you aren’t on the side of the road explaining it to Barney Fife, life is good.

OK, now you’re just being flat out lazy – late again, you suck. Putting the public at risk once again you scream down the thoroughfare at a blistering 90 mph getting to work in just about 20 minutes. Providing you haven’t wrapped yourself around a telephone pole in the process you’ve made it on time once again.

I’m going out on a limb here and assume a good number of us have followed one or more of these scenarios in some fashion at one time or another. Up until now this has been completely feasible. We’ve all given it a little gas to get where we wanted to go a little quicker, hell it’s only illegal if you get caught right? Now let’s get crazy with it.

At 120 mph you could get to work in only 15 minutes, one quarter of the time it took you originally. Good luck explaining that one to your insurance company by the way. Of course you must have a really good job to be able to afford a car that goes 120 mph so maybe money ain’t a thang in your case, but then why are you beating to work like an idiot everyday? Stay with me, that won’t be the last paradox we run into before all is said and done.

The astute have figured out by now every time you double your speed you cut your travel time in half. So at 240 mph, in your Murcielago (a really cool car, Lamborghini that you cannot afford) you streak past the local constabulary and arrive in 7.5 minutes. And at 480 mph you get there in 3 minutes and 15 seconds, defying the laws of physics and common sense along the way. Well, actually the world land speed record is 763.035 MPH - Mach 1.0175 set by Andy Green and Richard Noble, so we’re still in the realm of reality - as long as the Bonneville Salt Flats are the route you take to work. In case you’re wondering that speed would get you to work in a little over 6 seconds (see how I drop a little trivial knowledge on you when you’re not lookin’).

Here it is in a nutshell, given increased speed decreases time spent traveling a fixed distance we can logically conclude there is a speed that will get us where we need to go in no time flat. No, I mean literally no elapsed time between the time you leave and the time you arrive. Let’s call that speed X. We know 30mph got us to work in an hour and 60 cut that time in half so there’s no doubt that increasing our speed lowers our time in transit. There has to be a speed that gets us there in 0 time, we’ve dubbed this speed X mph. So what happens when you go X + 1?

If X mph gets you there in zero time flat, X + 1 must get you there in some time less than zero. How exactly does that work, do you get there before you leave? And if so, do you pass yourself along the way? Can you be two places at once or do you ever catch up to the original you? Remember that paradox I promised you, well there you go.

I’m pretty sure my arithmetic was sound but if I made an error along the way I humbly apologize. The mathematical and physics concepts themselves are solid. Chew on that for a while and if you come up with some answers, by all means, please let me know.

Conservative Police State - Sieg Heil (Seek Help)

OK, I know sieg heil is actually German for “hail victory” but the hip already smell what I’m about to stir-fry here.

Ever notice those calling themselves staunch conservatives are usually just try to tell you what you can do with your genitals or modify your behavior in some way? What’s with that, don’t they have genitals of their own to play with? Apparently they spend a lot time worrying about you letting “the wrong sort” play with yours or what medical procedures you may have done to or through them. They also seem real concerned about aliens, sedition and what particular flavor of religious kool-aide you consume or perhaps consumes you, depending on your point of view.

In all fairness, the lunacy of a few reflects poorly on the sanity of the masses. The conservative body politic is by and large made up of rational individuals. Believing in a smaller - fiscally responsible government, lower tax burdens, a strong national defense and above all the Constitution the average right winger isn’t all that bad. Their ideology, taken in moderation and mixed with a little compassion - actual compassion, not just the campaign slogan the last administration slapped on a bumper sticker, is sound and accepted by many moderates on the left and right of the ubiquitous political aisle.

Unfortunately, the conservative movement has been commandeered by jack booted, brown shirt right wing nuts. As with any organization of this magnitude the fringe elements can wreak havoc. Much like what al Qaeda has done for Islam and Jerry Farwell and his Moral Majority did for Christianity, the wing nuts make it all but impossible for any but the truly delusional to subscribe to their madness. Although Jerry is hopefully facing the monocle wearing black hat of judgment in the after life as we speak, the Evangelical fringe that previously hung on his every breath continues the tradition of judging thy neighbor.

Disenfranchised people make easy targets for the nefarious and unscrupulous. David Koresh (Branch Davidians), Marshall Applewhite (Heavens Gate) and Jim Jones (People's Temple) can easily testify to this simple fact. Or at least they could if they didn’t get wrapped up in their own scams and off themselves along with the vast majority of their unfortunate followers. Although those are extreme cases the basic principal is the same for those that followed Jerry Farwell, Jim & Tammy Faye Baker, Jimmy Swaggart and Ted Haggard who all found it impossible to live up to their own lofty standards and were publicly disgraced in some manor. The whole “do as I say, while I get my freak on” thing wasn’t working for everyone it seems.

Where did the wheels come off and why didn’t it stop the crazy train? See this is what happens when you don’t learn from history. The last society that was so intolerant, that monitored its citizens and deprived them of basic rights, that unjustly imprisoned and tortured them and led them into an unwarranted act of aggression we called the Third Reich. Are we really actually witnessing the inception of the Forth Reich? Is Karl Rove channeling Adolph Hitler in some nouveau fascist fashion? What happened to “never again”?

I don’t particularly grasp all aspects of homosexuality and I can’t say I approve of the life style. Fortunately for them my approval isn’t necessary for their continued existence. I’m not much for gay marriage either. Subsequently, I personally will never marry a gay man. However, I will happily attend the gay ceremony of a friend, if invited. IF by some extreme unforeseen twist of fate I do end up married to a gay man you best believe neither of us will be having any abortions anytime too soon. Of course that’s a personal choice, as well as a biological one – what you choose to do with your own uterus is completely up to you. Moreover, what does any of this have to do with the ability to shoot straight? I mean literally shoot straight. If we’re side by side in a trench or back to front in a fighter jet I’m not going to be real concerned with your orientation (male/female or undecided) at that particular moment in time.

When all is said and done I say anything any willing and able individuals consent to do amongst themselves in privacy is all good and in no need of legislation or judgment of any kind.

Meaningless Sex

In case you haven’t been keeping up with current events a quick update, men and women are different. We differ in many ways, one of the biggest being for the most part men have the ability to have meaningless sex. For the purposes of this particular rant, meaningless sex refers to the ability to not get overwhelmingly emotionally involved with the person you’re bumpin’ uglies with.

There may actually be a method to this madness – IF you subscribe to the theory of evolution and those pesky hardwired hold over instincts. Back in the day men were the hunter gatherers. Running around killing things and bringing them back to the cave area where the nurturing women folk eagerly awaited their men while dutifully holding down the fort. While woman were caring for the youngins and their respective corner of the cave the men were out spreading the love where ever they could find a warm place to let it fly.

Fast forward to present day civilization, evolution is still running its course and men and women are equals in the hunting/homemaking arenas, all things considered. But men still have that “spread it around” gene alive and kickin’ driving significant others crazier by the minute. Now this is not to say men are incapable of fidelity or true love. The real problem here is your definition of “fidelity &/or true love.” Men can be accused of being half as smart as they need to be a lot of the time. By the same token women can tend to be too smart by half at times as well. Put simply, where men will under think a given situation women will over think the very same situation.

The basic man can love an individual with all his heart, knock it out with the drunken stripper(s) in the parking on his way home to his loved one and not skip a single beat. His heart, mind and sole completely in tact with no disrespect or malfeasance intended in any way shape or form. And there are absolutely no words in the known universe that will ever explain this phenomenon to the person getting skeezed on. On the flip side, women (in general) can meet someone in the parking lot, hang out for a bit, go home – knock it out and fall quaffed head over spiked heels in love before they’ve gotten their new sole mate’s last name. The recipient of this unexpected post coitus affection will be just as bewildered as the partner that got skeezed on in the previous scenario.

Someone really needs to ask the grand creator what the original plan was. Why design a being that can walk into any bar with a little confidence and hook up with just about anyone she chooses but not be able to handle all the emotions attached to this action? Then just for laughs let’s make a being that can probably hook up with someone in the same bar but pretty much forget he’s done it a day later. This would seem to be a recipe for failure.

In a futile effort to level the playing field in some manor I’ll let those that are interested in on a few secrets. Now I’m most certainly risking my membership in the “MAN CLUB” for this so listen up and take notes if you have to.

First of all, ladies men don’t actually want to dance. We don’t particularly care if you’re thirsty – no matter how many drinks we buy you and although possibly attracted to your eyes eventually, it wasn’t what we noticed ( .Y .) from across the room that brought us over to say hi initially. Unfortunately we can’t just say “hey great dress, let’s go somewhere we can take it off” so there’s the obligatory small talk and courtship rituals that take place until we actually do get some place we can get naked.

Secondly, should you find a suitable place to get your mattress mambo on know this - guys are usually more interested in stroking our own egos then the strings of your heart, at least in the beginning. Don’t mistake skill, effort or prowess for emotion, affection or undying life long commitment. Some of us are just trying to get the “job done.” Others are trying to get the job done well maybe even repeatedly, while there are those just trying find a place to hang their hats for a while or few minutes, unfortunately. Again the grand creator thought it would be funny to give us diametrically opposed feelings upon completion of the sexual act. Assuming all has gone well for both parties one person is thinking how great that was and wondering what your children will look like, while the other is thinking “wow that was great, where’s my other sock and how fast can I get out of here without causing a seen?”

Lastly, understand we men are not completely heartless jerks – all the time. We have the ability to fall hopelessly in love as well, it just takes a moment to get us warmed up. It’s sort of like the romance and sexual response cycles are flipped for men and women. What you don’t want to do is force the issue. It will happen if you let it as opposed to trying to make it happen. Calling excessively or camping out in front of our homes is probably not the way to go. Nor is tattooing our first name on a body part before you’re sure you know what our last name might be. These are signs you may be slightly psychotic and a definite turn off. Patients is the key, it’s when guys start to think “how cool is she” that the whole romantic process starts to kick in. Just try and stay out of the way until that happens and it will be all good in the end.

Reverse Discrimination

Can someone please explain this one to me? What the hell is reverse discrimination? I know some genius out there is thinking “what doesn’t he get – it’s discrimination against white people”. Take a moment and think that one through for a bit slick (I’ll wait…). Ok, if you still don’t see it then there’s a very good chance you are part of the problem.

Discrimination is just that discrimination (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/discrimination) to think there’s a special discrimination for a certain group of people is discriminatory in itself. Why would there be a special form of discrimination just for whites? Isn’t the standard form of servitude good enough for those that primarily invented the ideology? Maybe it’s not as much fun from the other end of the whip so they came up with another name for it so they could be victimized more comfortably.

Understandably everyone has preferences and no one should be forced too far out of their comfort zones but where we all have to live together – pretty much every where outside of our individual homes, we have to have some decorum. We need to go along to get along, if you will. Go home and talk about me like a dog if you want. Call me any name your angry little mind can come up with. Plot my demise and the demise of all those that looks like me. Hate the fact your wife is thinking about us while you’re trying to do your thing but when we’re together in public, at work or where ever, grin and deal wit’ it . You can go home and take out your frustrations on your family later if it helps you sleep at night.

Bye Bye Mitt

Looks like Mitt (Willard Milton Romney) can't stand the heat so he's getting out of the kitchen - more like he can't stand defeat. For all the money he dumped in his bid to become the next prez he didn't get much bang for his buck. Not a very good investment for someone that touts himself as a great businessman. I wouldn't feel too sorry for him, he may have spent $50 million or so but he still has a couple hundred mill left over. I'm sure none of his wives will have to work any time too soon - just kidding. I'm sure Mitt's a one woman man unless the political winds change. You'd find Mitt sporting leather chaps and pierced nipples if he thought it would get him elected.

Mitt's biggest problem was timing, or lack there of. He subscribed to the basic political edict and Republican dogma that people are stupid. They are right of course, but you can only count on that so much and for so long because people are only so stupid. It's like a pendulum, it can only swing so far before someone says "hey, wait a sec" and starts to catch on. Unfortunately for Mitt Mr. Bush used up all the stupid for generations to come. People aren't going to fall for the ol' banana in the tail pipe trick again for quite a while. Mitt will just have to lay low for a minute and try again when peeps aren't so hip.

C-ya Mitt, it was fun until the wheels came off...

Valentine's Day

Another Valentine’s Day approaches, much to the dismay of the affectionately disabled significant others everywhere. Honestly, who thought this was a good idea? The one day of the year guaranteed to cause unilateral grief for those unfortunate soles that have not mastered the art of mind reading.

One might think V-Day is just another “Hallmark holiday” and arguably, a good case could be made to support this. In actuality it has religious beginnings – of course. Chalk up another grand contribution from organized religion to society. Valentine’s Day is named after two martyred Christians (Valentines of Rome and Terni) from the Middle Ages. There were a bunch of martyred Christians around that period but some how these two stuck out from the crowd – yea them! Up until the late 60’s the Catholic Church actually recognized nine other V-days but thankfully no one else saw the need to follow along. So we settled on the traditional Feb 14^th date to celebrate.

Originally the day(s) was simply to express affection for another that may not have known they were admired - kinda like a huge singles meet and greet, possibly the precursor to internet dating. People just slipped each other small hand written notes to let their potential paramours in on their intentions. Of course some idiot had to mess it up for everyone and add flowers. Chocolates got thrown in around to l800’s then Hallmark got a hold of things and the mass marketing began. Just try and get away with a note and some hand picked flowers now buddy.

Now-a-days the smitten have to take out a small loan, second mortgage &/or a kidney to satisfy their significant others. The flowers alone will set you back a pretty penny, more like a pretty C-note ($100 bill). Then there’s dinner, including the perfect wine or whine depending on how things are going, chocolates, the obligatory precious medal &/or stone - again depending on how much grief you’re really willing to endure. When all is said and done a successful day will leave our lovers buzzed, bloated and broke but happy nonetheless.

Happy Valentine’s Day to the lucky recipients and good luck to the rest.

Oh Happy Day

What a wonderful day! The birds are singing, the sun is shining and somewhere Tom Brady and Pats are depressed enough to be on suicide watch.

The Raider Nation - still not feeling the infamous "Tuck Rule" game, the '72 Dolphins and everyone else sick of hearing about the "perfect season" rejoiced collectively as the Patriots pursuit of perfection ended in resounding failure. And it couldn't have happened to a more deserving bunch of guys.

The NY Giants put their foot in the Patriots ass and marched into history. Now I'm no Giant fan usually and I have to join the phalanx of haters that owe Eli Manning an apology but the Pats could have been playing the Klan and I would be just as happy with the results.

Up until about three weeks left in the regular season I, like most still thought Eli was a punk. His dad Archie set him up for failure with that stunt out of college not letting him play for the Chargers. Seems ol' Arch may have been on to something there after all. Not sure how he did it but Eli found a case of whoop-ass somewhere along the way this season and started spilling it all over is opponents. He and the Giants defensive front line, that spent the day planting Brady in the turf like sack of fertilizer, ruined the Kraft families (owners of the Pats) day. More importantly they saved us all from years of insufferable malaise over the perfect season.

ALL HAIL Eli and the Giants! Thanks again for saving us from the horror that would have been another Patriots win.

The Emperor Is Naked

I’m relatively sure I’m not alone in this one – then again there has to some explanation for the current state of the political spectrum. Maybe I am the only one that sees the emperor is buck naked? In any case, no matter what side of the aisle you sit on, whether you bleed blue, red or some shade of purple you have to realize your political leader(s) are LYING. Not the cordial "no honey that dress doesn't make you look fat" life savor lie - I mean flat out, bald faced – through their capped teeth, couldn’t melt ice in their respective mouths lying.

You can tell a politician is lying whenever you see their lips moving in any way (yes I know, old joke but never has a truer word been spoken in jest). Simple logic and basic listening skills will usually bring the lack of versimility to light. Think about it – nearly everything they say is in diametric opposition to what their opponents are saying. Moreover, some of what they say is in polar opposition to something they’ve said previously. Basically they go as the winds blow, for all intents and purposes.

To be fair it’s not completely their fault. WE the people, tend to reward bad behavior. The candidate that tells the truth - taxes need to be raised to promote the general welfare doesn’t get elected. No, the clown that gets up there and says “read my lips” no new taxes and then raises the existing ones slides ride in nice and easy. The truly skilled say as close to nothing as possible. The theory there being WE the people are basically stupid and will fill in the blanks with what we want to hear. This is most likely an adaptation to the information (YouTube) age, if you will. In addition, saying nothing or close to it makes it harder to pin you down to any particular position so if the political winds change you’re still good to go.

The big picture here is if we really want change WE the peeps need to do something about it. Clearly if you went to buy a car or a home and asked specific questions of your salesperson and got vague, general, nondescript answers you would hopefully go else where with your patronage. Or if your salesperson gave you an answer that sounded reasonable and then gave a different answer to the same question to another potential buyer you might be a little hesitant to pull the trigger on that particular deal. Just apply that same rationale to your political choices.

A great change is needed and coincidentally, now is the greatest time to make that change. Never before has there been an opportunity like this one. History is literally being made as we speak. No matter who wins the Presidential election at this point it will be unprecedented. An African American, a female, a Mormon or a near octogenarian will be the next president. Look at this list of individuals and decide which represents the greatest possible change. Which is the biggest departure from the status quo? Make your decisions using whatever criteria that suits you best but make a decision and be an actual part of history in the making. Let the Emperor know we can see the goods and apparently it's a little chilly today.