Parenthood

I’m still a little new to this whole parent thing so I’m still amazed by some of the stuff kids can come up with. Now assuming it’s just not MY kid that has these abilities or disabilities as it were, perhaps someone could help me grasp some of the finer points of parenting.

Now I get you have to feed them from time to time and there’s that whole diaper changing thing too. I’ve found they tend to get a little cranky if you neglect either one of those activities. Not entirely sure if the “nap” is for their benefit or ours just yet? Let’s just call that one a quintessential arrangement for the overall greater good. Here’s a partial list of perplexities that keep things interesting, to say the least;

• Why is it better for them when everything is on the floor, for starters? Also, is it just me or was it a whole lot easier to keep an eye on them before they discover mobility?

• How exactly is it you can fill a room with the safest most educational plush toys in the known universe and one razor blade that fell behind the couch at a party in 1983 and Jr will not only locate said party favor but bring it to the opposing parent or caregiver the second you blink? Thus proving beyond the shadow of any doubt you suck as a parent.

• Why do diapers need changing either the moment you need to go somewhere or the second after you’ve arrived any place but home of course?

• How come before you become a parent you can leave your house and be en route in one shot in five minutes or less pretty much anytime of the day or night but after becoming a parent it takes half an hour to just get the key in the ignition? Not counting the twenty minutes it took to find your keys in the first place.

• At exactly what point do you know who Sponge Bob, Dora the Explorer and the Backyardigans are AND who they all hang with? By the way where the hell did baby Goofy come from?

• Try as you may to get Jr to say “grandpa/grandma” on command, how is it they’ll recite, with perfect diction, every “bad” word they’ve ever heard once in their little lives at will and without provocation?

• Why is it you can be having a stroke, chocking on a bone with your hair on fire flailing around trying to scream for help and Jr will ignore you? But, if you touch a phone in any way Jr will stop whatever s/he is doing at the time, including being dead asleep, and stick you like you’re a life preserver from the Titanic?

These are just a few of the myriad of parenting questions that race through my mind on a continuous basis any insight would be greatly appreciated.